Hello there. There are several reasons why you could’ve decided to come to this site. You could be genuinely interested in my story. You could have come to see what I had to say about the prevalent issue about rape on college campuses nationally. Maybe you are just curious to learn more about this common issue. Or maybe, just maybe, you have gone through something similar. Whatever your reasoning, I hope you read my story with a sense of respect and I hope you take something out of it. Preventing rape is something that I am passionate about. I will talk more about that in a different post. For right now I just want everyone to get to know me.
First, I will tell you some things about myself before I get into my story. I am 19 years old. I am studying business at the University of Missouri. I am in my second year and loving it! I have a job at a gym and I am an avid lifter. I have a shopping problem, but somehow I haven’t gone completely broke (yet). I am a daughter, a sister, and a stepdaughter. I think I am funny, although my friends may sometimes disagree. I love my friends as if they are my family, even though they don’t always find me funny. I have a dog that is probably the love of my life. I am currently single and plan to keep it that way for a while. Finally, I am a woman that respects people from all different backgrounds, so no matter who you are, feel free to reach out to me with any issue you may be going through.
Alright, alright. I will get to the point and tell you my story already since that is probably what you came here for anyways. When I was 16 I went to stay in another state with some family in July. While I was there, I met this guy who was absolutely perfect (so I thought). We hung out a couple times while I was there on vacation. After I went home, we kept in touch. I went back in September with my mom and stepfather and sisters. The guy came and had dinner with us and met my mom. Everyone adored him, as did I. The next day, I went to the beach with my family and had him pick me up. I told everyone I was going to the movies. I didn’t. I went to his boat and we drank some alcohol. I had never really drank in my life, seeing as I came from a very conservative family and I obeyed the rules. I don’t remember drinking very much when the next thing I knew, I woke up with this guy on top of me. I screamed and he told me to shut up or someone would hear us. I soon passed out again after this and woke up in the bathroom, bleeding. I called out to him and asked him if we had had sex. He said no. I started crying at this point because I knew that he was lying to me. He just sat on the seat, fully clothed and completely composed while I was in the bathroom trying to piece together what had happened. The next thing I know, he was taking me home to my family’s house. I was throwing up the whole way back, At one point, we were in the middle of the woods on a two-lane road. I had to throw up, so I told him to pull over. He did. I opened the door to lean out and he pushed me out and threw my phone at me. He told me that he couldn’t handle me when I was acting like that. I immediately jumped back into the car and started crying. Finally we made it back to my family’s house. I was hours late. We got there and everyone was waiting for me, angry. I immediately went downstairs to the bathroom in the room I was staying in and threw up. My mom stormed after me and demanded, “Are you drunk?!” I just started crying. She and my stepdad took me to the hotel they were staying at that night. I was still throwing up out of the car window, which was absolutely mortifying. My stepdad shortly left us after arriving at the hotel to go stay with our family. All I wanted to do was take a shower. My mom asked me what had happened and if he took advantage of me. I started crying again and nodded my head yes. She wanted to take me to the police station, but I refused to let her because I was afraid I would get in trouble for underage drinking. So instead, I took a shower and cried with my mom.
I got my phone taken away because I drank, so I was grounded. I told my ex-boyfriend what had happened because I still considered him my best friend. I came back to school the next week to people asking me if it was true that I had sex with my cousin, a rumor that my ex had started because he wasn’t over our break up. I was extremely depressed. It was so hard for me to go to school and face everyone laughing in my face because I “had sex with my cousin.” I was at the lowest point of my life. I did not respect myself and I’m sure that nobody else respected me either. My junior year of high school was the absolute worst year of my life. So what did I do to cope? I had sex with the star quarterback of the football team, of course. A decision I did not even regret at the time because I considered myself and my feelings to be worthless. People found out and I didn’t even care. To this day, I still believe that I was saved by the grace of God my senior year. I developed a relationship with Him and that is what saved my life.
Shortly after that, I came to Mizzou without any of my friends from high school. I didn’t know anyone really when the jokes about rape and roofies came to my attention. Rape and sexual assault are things that occur often on each university campus. It was hard to deal with since I didn’t have relationships with anyone yet and I had none of my friends with me. I used to call my mom crying about it. I had a lot of bad days. Finally, I became close with some girls in my sorority and on my dorm floor. They made things easier. I told them my story and they were supportive of me.
Now, being nearly halfway done with my first semester of my second year of college and 3 years later, I still have bad days because of it. It is something that I will never be completely over. It is something that has completely changed me. Although it was something really terrible, I try to look at the positives. I know how to help girls who have been through it and I know how to spot the signs of girls in danger of it happening to them. The main issue I had was thinking that no one else went through it. Sure, I talked to my friends about it but they didn’t understand because they didn’t go through it. I wanted to talk to someone who knew how I was feeling. I am so open about my story because I want others to know that they are not alone. I want to be someone that others feel they can talk to. Everyone’s experience is different. But you are not alone, no matter how alone you feel. And it always gets better. Just have faith and talk about your feelings. Please feel free to talk to me if you have any things you need to get off your chest or if you have any questions for me.
My email is RSSTresist@gmail.com.
Also, you can call the National Sexual Assault hotline at 888-656-4673 or if you are depressed, the suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
It is okay to not be okay and to reach out for help.